Chapter 8: What Had Become of Me?
Susanah, my niece Gabi, and I are visiting my dad and his girlfriend in Arizona. We take a side trip to Sedona, where I look up an old flame, James. James and I had had a yearlong relationship full of passion, dreaming, and goofy fun. We hadn’t seen each other in some twelve or fourteen years, and this was a sweet reunion. James took us up to the Red Rocks for a hike.
We were walking along, and James remarked to Susanah, “You know, your mom always knew how to have fun.”
It stopped me in my tracks.
He was remembering the time that we roller-skated through the grocery store at one o’clock in the morning. Or the time that I threw him a surprise birthday party at his jobsite. Or the time that I invited him out dancing after we’d first been introduced. Or the April Fool’s joke when I’d surreptitiously switched places with the guy in the sleeping bag next to him and moved over for a cuddle.
I had been fun. I really had.
What had become of that person? Who had I turned into? Would Susanah wonder whom he was talking about??
What had been a lighthearted reminiscence for James became a touchstone for me. I pondered those questions, and all of the implications, for many days to come. What had happened to my life?
Then and there I realized that I wanted my life and my identity back. It had been too long, and I wondered whether I was coming dangerously close to the point of no return. Would I be able to revive that youthful, energized, fun-loving, life explorer? I wanted to like my life again. I wanted to like myself again. And even more importantly, I wanted my children to discover who I really was.
We were walking along, and James remarked to Susanah, “You know, your mom always knew how to have fun.”
It stopped me in my tracks.
He was remembering the time that we roller-skated through the grocery store at one o’clock in the morning. Or the time that I threw him a surprise birthday party at his jobsite. Or the time that I invited him out dancing after we’d first been introduced. Or the April Fool’s joke when I’d surreptitiously switched places with the guy in the sleeping bag next to him and moved over for a cuddle.
I had been fun. I really had.
What had become of that person? Who had I turned into? Would Susanah wonder whom he was talking about??
What had been a lighthearted reminiscence for James became a touchstone for me. I pondered those questions, and all of the implications, for many days to come. What had happened to my life?
Then and there I realized that I wanted my life and my identity back. It had been too long, and I wondered whether I was coming dangerously close to the point of no return. Would I be able to revive that youthful, energized, fun-loving, life explorer? I wanted to like my life again. I wanted to like myself again. And even more importantly, I wanted my children to discover who I really was.
